I was told at the beginning of 2017 it would be the year to dispel illusions. Well, it is 2018 and I am still dispelling. Maybe it will never end. After all life is an illusion that our egos have created to feel safe and important. As I get older I realize that things don’t become more clear but more blurred. It is hard to know what is an illusion and what is healthy progress. What is my/your dharma? Are we living our authentic purpose?
When I was 17 I knew what I had to do but it was just a feeling pulling me towards the center and I could not verbalize or understand it. I just knew that I was on the outside of what everyone my age was doing and I was pretty serious. I realize now that everything was in preparation. I floated through those years in my twenties knowing that I was being carried by something greater than my little self to a place that would open when the time was right. And so I moved and trusted and loved. Everything I did filtered through my heart.
MY HEART…….swells with the ebb of your tide. I feel everything you have done. I cry when you are hurt and feel elevated when you are in stride. I have decided to never leave you. I have decided to never selfishly take from you or exploit your gifts. I love you more than I love myself because you have given me vision. But deep down inside I want to be embraced by you and I have fooled myself into believing that you feel the same for me as I do for you. Because of this I suffer. You are everything in this world. All the elements combined magically create the alchemy that is life. I must let go of my expectations and stop thinking that I matter. When in reality my father was always right in saying to me that ‘I am just a spec of sand in the vast seashore that is life’.
I have spent my whole life trying to prove this statement wrong. Because of this I suffer.
That is not to say that some people are more, eyes open to the matrix of life and some are, follow the herd and don’t ask questions. This is not right or wrong. It just is what makes us unique as sand specs. Some of us are born into a life in which we can question things and make a collective dent in the equality of all mankind. As I write this I find fault in my words. But I don’t care, really……I am an artist and I feel and see things that are pure and that are flawed. The spirit of these things are what I recreate in color or movement. I am not trying to prove I am right I just want to understand why I feel the need to suffer. Simple put, I am musing and appreciate you listening!!
Like the gardener that prunes the roses. I too will prune my branches and hope that it will stimulate new growth and more abundant relationships with myself and those around me.
I know one thing for certain……I am not alone. You are not alone and we can matter, together!